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About a Girl
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This is where my secrets hide.  they wont be secret for long if you find the link.
Everything here seems to be towards one subject right now...and that's okay.  Im sure there will be more to add to the pile in due time. 
I think the seriousness of it all is sort of laughable when i reread it in the right frame of mind.  Everything looks more profound through tears. For some reason it was important for me to have this available for somebody to stumble on. 

 

What are my thoughts on the subject?

I think that I don't want you to go to california.  I don’t want you to tell me that you want to be on your own, and then have you run off to be with her.  I don't want you to let her fuck around with you anymore.  I don’t think you deserve it.  I don’t think it’s a game.  I think she's fucked in the head, and does not deserve you. 

I want to be with you.  I want to be the one you want to be with.  I want to be rich so I could give you everything you want.  I want you to understand that i do understand.  I want you to get that I understand because I was the opposite.  I want you to know that while you were basing your life off somebody else, I was basing mine off me alone.  I want you to know I don't think you're an asshole, even when you aren't so nice to me.  I want you to know that I don't know why I care. I want you to know that I didn't mean to, and I try not to. I want you to know that you are important to me.  I want you to know that I value you and your opinions; I think you're intelligent, and I like to hear what you have to say.  I want you to know that I respect you. 

I expect you to leave.  I expect that you would go to California, no matter what I said on the subject, just to "see the body".  I expect you wouldn't come back.  I expect you would forget about me.  I expect I would cry, probably more than I should.  I expect that my heart would break.  I expect that in time it would mend itself.  I expect that what I want is not enough.  I expect that no matter how long the rebound period is, you still wouldn't choose me in the end.  I expect you don't understand.  I expect that it is all too much.

I know what I feel.  I know what you need. I know what's written by the stars, and the planets, does not necessarily effect true life.  I know that polar opposites make good pairs.  I know that rats and rabbits work well together.  I know that none of that matters now.  I know that I'm grateful that some things were put in the open last night.  I know I regret not saying more.  I know I didn't want to lay my heart on the line just to have it pushed aside one more time. But I wish I had. (October 20, 2005)

 

You Alone

These tears I cry of shattered glass are not for you alone

I cry on blades of broken grass that fell long ago.

They tear my clothes and rip my hair,

They lull me into sleep.

They whisper sweet nothings to me;

Trick me into false serenity.

I lay there on my crystal shards,

Aware of every one,

I breathe deep the poison presented,

Withering with each bitter taste,

Strum my strings one more time

Allow me that release.

The pain you bring caresses my tongue,

The lies you tell penetrate me.

I will stay here day after day,

On my bed of broken dreams

I will eat the seed of Hades,

In the discordant footsteps of Persephone.

I will consummate my deception,

That I expressed in the beginning;

They are not for any others,

But for you and you alone.

(October 24, 2005)

 

I realize I have given up a lot of what I want in life.  I suppose that happens.  I havent done anything artistic in so long I think my soul is fading.  I need them back, but i lack the inspiration.  Nothing is great right now.  Nothing is how I want it.  No one is who I need them to be.  I feel like I am lost in a sea of never ending poor me.  I want that peaceful day of playing my flute, reading my books, kissing somebody who wants to kiss me back, being me, feeling good about myself.  I want these things that are so unattainable right now.  I have school in a subject I dont even like.  I feel smothered by my choices, and traped by the consequences of quitting.  I don't want to be the girl who couldn't stick it out, who was too bored to carry through, but business is not my thing.  I would love to study art, and history and languages.  Instead I'm writting midterms on accounting, strategice management and entrepreneurship.  I want to spend my days in a little village on the coast of Ireland, instead I am in a bricked building in the middle of a disgustingly dirty city.  I want my friends to understand me, and a guy to hold my hand.  I want to be able to love every person in my family with my entire heart, but I hold back.  I want peace love and happiness. Simplicity and contentment.  I want to be enough.  I want to be me, and right now I'm just not. (October 24, 2005)

 

Isn't it Nice- December 13, 2005

Isn't it nice how the most important times in your life have so much stress around them.  My first final is in 9 hours and I can't sleep.  I didn't study enough, I don't know the course, and I think I might just fail.  It's something that I am sort of prepared for and resigned to, but i don't really want to do it.  I don't like the feeling.  Of course I dont like a lot of feelings.  Like my mind spinning and my stomach churning, my eyes refusing to close.  All on a night when i need to get as much sleep as possible. And I should be easier on myself when I find out I did poorly on this exam because I will know half of the reason will be due to not studying, and half to not sleeping.  Let's see...11:41 pm, up at 6:30.  Bus @ 7:30...20 minutes to re-study all the crammed material while on the bus.  Exam 8:15-10:15...2 hours to forget everything I remember and fail.  That's nice.  I'm glad I can time out all of that.  When Apprently I dont have the sense to time out an appropriate study program.  Stupid stupid girl.  Meh whatever.  I guess it will be whatever it is.  I'm just not into it.  It's management.  It's a waste of time course anyway.  I like to know before important exams that everything I am trying for isn't what I want.  What I want right now doesnt really mean anything.  Because I've told myself that I'm going to finish this.  So be it.  Ever feel like you're giving out those little candy hearts that have the writting on them?  You know, the ones that say things like "Be Mine" and "I'm Yours" and "You're sweet" and then you give them all away and you kind of think, oh i should have held on to a few of those, I might need them sometime...too late.  Not take backs.  Besides they're already chewed up and gone anyway.  Little candy hearts that said things but didn't mean enough to you to hold onto for awhile longer.  Should have really thought what you were giving out.  And how people are filled with wants, hope and expectations.  and they don't properly coresspond to each other.  I want this to be perfect, I hope it will work out the best way possible and yet I expect nothing to go the way I want.  These stupid situations where I let myself go with the flow and realize it is exactly the same as a different situation.  This second fiddle thing never works for me, but god knows thats all I can be. What a lame analogy.  Because in all honesty the song will never sound right without allthe parts being played.  Second fiddle is just as important as the first, they provide the back up, the harmonies, the melody at times.  They never get called first though.  My violin is broken, maybe I should have gotten it fixed faster and learned more to become a first.  Maybe I should stop altogether and run away from the fucking group.  Just go of to whereever the hell sounds nice, leave it all behind.  Would I miss it here?  Would i yearn for these cold winter nights when i have to wear my pants and a hoodie to bed?  Would I want to cry here instead of there?  Will every thought in my head be of home, when i try to make one somewhere else?  i may accept everybody, but will they accept me?  Does any of what i want really matter?  Not recently.  The beauty of it all was i know all the things going on, and still I let myself get carried away.  I make up my little stories, my wants and hopes list, and I completely ignore the expectations I should have.  I'm never going to get all those things I want.  Even when they seem so simply attainable, nothing is my decision.  Butterflies in my stomach at the whole reality of it all.  I wish i didn't get carried away.  Cold hearted bitch sounds so much easier then the girl who breaks herself into pieces over it all.  I never wanted to freeze inside so much as I do right now.  But I cant, I have exams to think about, my sister is upset, my mom's birthday is coming up.  And I'd hate to mope around Christmas time.  Can't let tears get in the way of all those important things.  No no no.  That would be tragic.  12:01…8 hours and fifteen minutes to the exam time. Tomorrow should be pleasant. 

 

Try as I might, for some reason I can’t seem to talk to you about us.  You seem pretty laid back about everything.  I, on the other hand, am being broken to pieces by us.  I have never had a relationship with a person make me feel so amazing and insecure at the same time.  When I’m with you I am genuinely happy.  But at the same time there is this innate fear that you might just stop talking to me. That you’ll decide to go with Becky again, or that Peggy sounds like a great plan.  These two women that I get to know all about, but I’m sure have no idea I even exist.  I can understand why you wouldn’t want them to.  I’ve always been the other woman.  Always an other, never an only, remember? I wish I didn’t still feel like that. I’m not asking for forever, I’m just asking to be acknowledged.  Maybe we’ve gotten to the point where I can talk about you and when somebody asks who you are I can just say, “He’s my boyfriend.”  Instead of “A friend” or “This guy I’m seeing.”  If I’m such great girlfriend material, why can’t I be yours?  When you didn’t call on Saturday sure I was upset that I couldn’t see you, but the real issue was that I thought you were blowing me off again.  I never know what’s next.  What am I going to say wrong? What are you going to think? Why didn’t you call? What did I do? …All these questions are continuously running through my head.  I cry all the time and I don’t know how to stop. Am I even important to you?  I haven’t been with anybody else since we started sleeping together again last year. I just didn’t need anybody else.  And then in June when you said we had to stop because you felt guilty I was okay with that, I figured it was time to move on.  When the next week you told me you were going to California, I was like “That’s great, have fun.”  When you called me in Boston in August I was confused. When you gave me your phone number I knew why, and I was more confused.  When we slept together that week I got home, it was fun and great, and then done because you promised Peggy you wouldn’t.  I had my fun by not leaving that one night but it wasn’t really hard for me.  And then it all changed.  I don’t know what.  But every time you told me you were going to California my heart broke a little.  I couldn’t understand why this random woman got so much more of you than I did.  You told me a few weeks ago that it’s hard to see somebody move on with their life without you.  I watched you do that week after week.  You told me that you had the ticket that one day, but you didn’t go.  I always hoped, rather naively, that I may have been a factor.  I’m not a dumb girl, and I don’t want a knight in shinning armor, I’m not blinded by fantasies, I just want you.  Your intelligence, your cynicism, your quirks, your jokes and little sayings, your green eyes and gorgeous smile, your laugh; I don’t want a perfect relationship.  Every time you told me you were leaving, I cried.  Each time you drove away for nearly two months I had to think I might never see you again.  Each time you blew me off, I stayed.  I cry and cry, and then I see you and its okay again.  I care more then I ever thought I could.  I want to say things to you, and I realize I can’t. I can never put what’s been on my mind on yours.  I told you I wouldn’t.  So I don’t.  It’s silly how much you mean to me. And it’s hard to know that it may be one sided, that you’re just afraid to hurt me with the truth.  I never know, because you never tell me otherwise.  (feb 20 2006)

 

 

I’m sorry I started to cry tonight. I don’t know for sure if you noticed, if you did, you obviously didn’t want to deal with it as you quickly said you were ready for bed. I don’t like dealing with crying me either. I don’t know what to feel half the time anymore. All these little things keep happening that make me think I’m the dumbest woman ever for thinking the way I do. I knew everything you said tonight already, trust me I have thought it through a lot. I know that you are trying to figure yourself out and grow, and I think you’re amazing for it. And while you’re so focused on being you, I should try to stop wanting so much to be us. I told myself in the beginning that I wasn’t going to let it go too far. I seem to have failed miserably. It’s hard to always be second to someone else. Second to Becky, second to Peggy, and now second to yourself. And that’s okay, you should care more about yourself than me. I never expected to be your only, just hoped. I put myself in the situation, and in all honesty I don’t want out of it. I have become more passive than ever in being with you because I continuously feel that one wrong move and you will give up on me completely. You already know that’s why I avoid confrontation. I don’t lose people well. I know that you’ve been through a lot lately, and I want to be the person you share it with. I adore that you call me to tell me good news, and I even like it when you call just to bitch. It makes me feel that I give you something, be it only somebody to listen. I so naively thought that Peggy was out of the picture, funny how wants mask logic. It really hurt when you told me she sent you those things. I’m glad that she sent you beautiful things. You were so happy that night, and I felt so guilty for being upset by it. All I could think was “There is something I can’t give him.” I’m sorry I can’t give you all of your hearts desires. I’ve felt inadequate lately. I don’t have decades of a lifetime with you, and I don’t have millions of dollars. I’m a middle-class college student. It broke my heart to know that something Peggy sent you made you so much more excited than anything I could give you. Then the fact that she posted on pwnd again and her new custom title is “Munky Lover” I didn’t know if it referred to you until I heard you say the usual “I’m a sleepy monkey.” and it sort of clicked, and made me a wreck. It just reminds me that I’m not the only woman in your life, still, and that there’s a woman out there that in some ways gets more of you than I do. I just hoped the game was over. And then there is karate. I know that going there is more exciting than seeing me, and that’s okay, it’s new and fun, and you love it. I’m happy that something you’ve wanted for so long is working out well for you. I try to tell myself not to invite you to anything. I know you’re busy and tired and I hate feeling like I’m trying to coerce you into something. I don’t like hearing a guilt trip in my voice; I never intend to make you feel bad about something. That’s why I haven’t been able to just say any of this. How can it not sound like an ultimatum? I have no right to give you one, it isn’t my place, and I doubt you would respond well to it anyway. I want so much for you to be happy, but at the same time I don’t want to be at the bottom of your priority list. I know having a girlfriend is a been there, done that, sort of thing for you. I feel that I may be old news to you. Just somebody that’s around. Maybe somebody you don’t want to hurt by being honest and just saying goodbye. I can never tell. Sometimes when I call you, you sound so annoyed that I just wish I hadn’t. Those times when I say “Sorry, are you busy?” You say I’m not interrupting, but I still feel ashamed for calling. Like I just ruined your day. Like I was the last person you wanted to hear from. Like I should have known that you’d get sick of me. You asked me once when I became insecure. I think in some ways it is insecurity, and in others I’m just fragile. Like this relationship seems to me. I’ve watched you walk away from me more times then I can remember, and let me tell you it was always harder. If it had ended before last summer, when you said you felt guilty, I think I would have been fine. But I’m really not anymore. Oh well right? It isn’t about me, it’s about you. I’m sorry I can’t make you happy, or be your everything. I don’t think I’ve ever wished for anything more. Silly, naïve woman.(march 24 and 25, 2006)

 

I said I was okay with a lot of things that I'm really not okay with at all.  This concert thing is ripping me apart.  I want to trust so badly, and yet I can't seem to do it.  I feel guilty because of my thoughts and other feelings.  I've told you time and again that I want you to tell me things, even if it will hurt my feelings, and yet I can't seem to say a word about those feelings.  That's stupid.  I should be able to tell youwhat I'm thinking and know that you'll be okay with it too.  I don't know that though.  I don't know if I say, "You going to this concert with Becky hurt me, a lot.  I am uncomfortable with it, and afraid of it." That you wont walk away.  I wish you would have said you would go with me.  I will never tell you not to do something you want, even if it upsets me beyond belief.  I was surprised how shocked you looked when I told you it hurt because you never would have gone with me.  You said "yes I would have."  But no.  It wasn't even an option.  I didn't even know that they were coming into town by the time you had already gotten upset that Becky wouldn't dump all her friends for you.  You wouldn't even ignore them for me. You asked her first.  and I'm sure you wouldn't have wanted us both there with you.  I wouldn't want to be there with you both anyway.  I entered a couple of draws for tickets, I don't even want them. You told me that every song has meaning for the two of you, now all i can think about is you with her when I hear them.  Oh well.  And i'm really sick of being a secret.  Last night at your mom's I had a wonderful time, sincerely.  But I was so afraid of saying the wrong thing, or looking at you the wrong way and having you get mad at me because i screwed it up. And more and more becky.  Pictures and her calling your mom, and you telling her things on the phone you hadn't even told me.  I tried to be okay.  I told you I would be, but when I got home all I could do was cry. and cry, and cry.  I feel like I'm not even good enough to be runner up to her.  Just "hey mom, I know it's hard, but I'm seeing megan now." Am i not good enough for acknowledgement? I know that isn't what you mean by it, but that's how I feel.  I was scared to meet you family as it was.  God knows I have a lot to live up to.  I'll never be her to them.  It was a first impression that mattered a lot to me, and I was so uncomfortable.  Probably normal, but it hurt too.  I dont want to bring any of this up, because I'll cry and upset you and you'll just reassure me.  And I love the way things have been with us lately, in all other aspects.  This week has been extremely difficult for me.  I'm not okay, but I'll tell you I am. (May 19)

 

Ugh, Crazy bitch spoke to me.  Not in real life, thank god cause she sounds like my grandma and aunt put together and it freaks me out. Just ona forum.  I put my signature as *since i met you* and she asked where I came up with it.  I said "just a cute song I like. why?"  Curious as to why she would care.  it's not like it's in deapth.  Then i realize you must have sent it to her too.  Something once again, not between the two of us.  I don't know what to do. Between this peggy shit and becky saying she hates me and that you called me "immature and made it clear [I] can't hold a candle to [her]" my heart seems to be being broken, and you arent here righ tnow to fix it.  I've never been the only. I can't say how much i dont want you to see Becky again.  How it would mean a lot to me if you would explain to her that we aren't just sleeping together. If  I met her I wouldn't feel so threatened.  But I wouldn't put that on her.  I don't want to hurt her, that was never my intention.  I shouldn't have read her blog.  It's my own fault for being cursious.  And now i have to tellyou because I can't keep this inside of me.  I need to know your thoughts.  I can't stew in this.  I care way too much about you to not give you a chance to make me feel better. Please don't hurt me anymore.  I'm going to be excited to see you, so very excited, but now I'm terrified of breakin gdown right away. That's not what either of us needs. when to talk to you about it?  I have no idea. I want to be laid back and easy about it all.  But you have obviously been carrying on with peggy a lot longer then you let on.  She said you still sent her a <3 in the middle of june.  How am i supposed to take that.  And the immature thing, I know it was probably months ago, but that detsroyed me.  I've never thought much of myself, and you always made me feel so good, then I hear that.  maybe it was true, maybe you were lying to her to make her feel ok.  I will never say anything bad about you to make somebody else feel better, no matter the situation, and it's heartbreaking that you would about me. I've been nothing but there for you. I want to be there for, and with you. please don't hurt me anymore. (july 21, 2006)

 

Life is so wonderful right now. I mean that with all my heart. here's the "but": I can't figure out why I get upset so easily. Maybe its PMS. I don't know. I feel the same as that girl on X Weighted we saw the other day. The one who ended up on the same sort of program as us. I want the quick fix. I want to be that ideal girl for you. Forget the media, the girls you look at are what make me feel bad. I guess they're from the media, but the fact that that's who you like to look at, that just means I should strive to be like them. It's for myself definitely, but I find I'm more worried about your thoughts sometimes. It's hard to watch you look at them every chance you get. I understand it's a ridiculous thought. A waste of my time. I'm going to get there. I'm going to be healthy while I do it. I'm going to look great. I look good now. God, I hated showing you those swim suits. I didn't think I looked good enough in any of them to wear them out. I showed you because you need to be the one I trust with these things. You're my everything. I know I've said that before. It's your birthday soon, I'm so excited for my weekend plans. And I'm also so very curious if Becky will call you. I'm sure she will. It's the polite thing to do. And the polite thing for me to do is get over it and understand. I can't believe how hard this still is for me. How uncomfortable I felt that Bailey's making night when I knew you lied to me, how much i tried to put it aside. I knew why you did it. I knew it was to “protect the fun”, I appreciated that in one way. But standing in the shower waiting for you, knowing then that you were talking to her still hurt. I want to get over this. I want to stop worrying and stop being suspicious. Trust is the hardest thing to win back, throwing myself off that cliff is hard. When you were talking to me about shying from computer things like a hit puppy I knew what you meant sort of. I feel that same apprehension with you and other women. With you looking automatically at blogs about “why it's natural for men to be unfaithful.” I get worried. I wonder when I'll get too boring, when it'll hit you that you aren't happy. There are all my own self esteem issues. I still can't believe that you're here with me. completely and fully. When you asked if I wanted a ring or a down payment, how much i wanted to say ring. But i will never make that decision. When i get a ring, I want to know you mean it, and that's it, just you and me for now on. A house would mean the same. The lease was a big step. I get worried about you feeling trapped. When you get stand offish, I now stop talking. I am so naïve of this relationship world. It's annoying for me to not know what's the best thing. I guess that's normal. I need to let myself believe 1000% that it's just me. That I'm enough. That I'm not number 2 or 3. That you wont get carried away. That i can have friends over and not have you hoping will all end up together. That if you do see Becky again, and if you're with me, You'll have the strength to keep hold of my hand, not let go like you did so quickly when we saw lisa the first time. It made me feel unworthy. Like you didn't want to be seen with me, for fear of the woman you slept with once ( a couple times?) would be so upset. What about me? I know, let it go. That one i have, it wont be so easyif it's the girl you were with for so long. I'm working on myself constantly. Trying not to disappoint you, or hurt you, or annoy you. (Jan 8, 2007)

 

My feelings got hurt again. Surprise surprise. The crazy bitch has started to post shit about me. About how fat and ugly I am.About why you're vain and She doesn't know why, maybe ask the really really fat ugly broad who's always around him. I haven't been that hurt by somebody else in a long time. YOu make me feel so much better when I'm busy hating myself, and I really didn't need any help with that. I haven't been called names in literal years. Now it just feels like evryhing I thught about myself, every horrible mean little thing I told myself, is actually true. I'm going to ask sensei not to put up any more pictures of me on the website. I can't handle it. I don't want her to see me. I don't deserve it. I'm crying and can't stop again. I don't want to be sad by the time you get home. We're starting our new nutritional plan right away. Instead of being sad I need to suck it up and lose the weight and hope that I'm actually beuatiful like you say. My biggest fear right now, I'll get the wedding I tell youI so dearly want and I'll fuck up all the pictures by being a fat ugly blob with a stupid smile in all of them. I shouldn't let her upset me, I know she does it to upset you. And I don't want you to think I watch all her stupid shit. I don't generally subject myself to her. Curiosity hit today and I just googled your name to see if there was anything new, not to watch the videos. I've avoided them for so long I still don't want to see them. Been crushed by the thought of this woman enough, thank you. Then Ramona put all these doubts in my head about you just being friends with another woman. She said she told sensei tht now that they're married, he cannot go out alone with another woman ever. She has to be there. Unless it's a group and they're all married and she's met them...etc. I wish i had that will power. I'd feel like I was sticking nails in a coffin or something if i said all that. She said "no matter what one of them, man or woman, it doesn't have to be your boyfriend, will want more from the other person." and she said sensei agree with her on that. He wont do it. Cheryl is nice and all, but it does make me uncomfortable. That's just the truth. I even think about asking you if you want to try to be friends with Becky again. But I can't, i'm not ready. Everything in my mind about me sucks right now, again. I was feelign pretty good earlier. Funny how much watching that show made me feel bad last night. You don't put pressure on me directly to look better, but I see the women you choose to look at online and they are all 100000% more gorgeous, and skinny than me. Maybe one day I'll improve. It makes dancing for you harder when I know you've been watching these perfect girls do it online. You asked me who I'm comparing myself to, well it's all of them. Every single girl you decide to look at online, jack off to, every porn, every perfect flawless body. Those are the girls I want to be. How amazing how bad I feel when I walk into a room and you don't even glance my way. I can stand naked beside you and not get a look. Sometimes I've actually cleared my throat to get you to look away from the screen and notice me. I fucking hate this computer. (August 22, 2007)

 

Perfect body, rounded hips, Tiny waist,  puckered lips,

Lifted ass, separte thighs, ideal ratio, dainty size

not a scratch, not a scar, airbrushed curves, close or afar,

Lucious locks, impecible style,  sweet little laugh, sexy smile

 

 

Somethings are too deep to be considered only rants.  I dont think like this all the time, but at these moments, the ones where i sat here with tears streaming down my face, this was all there was.

guysarentworth.gif
I dont know if this is true, even the good ones inadvertantly make you cry sometimes.

Here I sit, once again, crying.
There is nothing there to stop what I feel
You know now
I wish that being with me was opportunity enough for you
I know that being with you could be enough for me
People want different things, and that I understand
I can't stand in the way of your life,
I wouldn't even if I could,
I'd rather be a part of it than a barrier to it.
Enjoy your jaguar
your mansion
your cougar.
I want you to have everything that makes you happy
If those are the things
Good
I'm glad they were presented to you.
I told myself I would stop crying over you
It's idiotic, I was never supposed to care at all
I dont know when that changed exactly
It doesn't really matter.
You've been a good part of my life
I wont regret it
I hope you never do
I'm being a dumb girl.  All emo and teary.
It's unavoidable sometimes.
This is the only way my real feelings get out.
They're to much to utter out loud,
and I wouldn't put that on your shoulders.
Not in so many words anyway
Should you happen to find this page
so be it.
Feel free to laugh at my immaturity,
I know I will when i've stopped crying over it.
I don't want you to go.
(October 30, 2005)


 
Painted

I painted on my face today

With pink and gold and rouge

I smiled to myself today

While I thought of you


But then the time came and went

And still there was no word

I replayed how the conversation went

Making sure of what I heard



You made your choice

And it didn’t include me

You made your choice

Very clear to see



I watched the colours

Swirl down the drain

I watched the colours

Fade far away


My painted face

And warranted fears

My painted face

And my all my tears.

(October 25, 2005)
 

 
I found this on my computer.  I forgot that i had written it.  It was about an ex of mine.  I thought it was harsh when I read it.  Amazing to be surprised by ones-self. Both of these were written on February 6, 2005. Way before the reasons for my other writtings on here.

 

Happened

Things that happened

Are of the past

I will not let this break me,

Nothing ever will.

If you thought you had power,

Maybe you did,

But the power to make me cry is not noble.

I do not regret anything,

But if I knew it all now

And I went back

You would not have happened.



 

Tumble

Moving on shouldn’t be hard.

These useless words that tumble off the tips of my fingers,

They don’t mean what they say.


Painfully honest, sometimes,

Hurtful other times,

Nonsensical at the best of times.

 

Babbling waterfalls of wasted breaths
Pour from my mouth. 

Then it’s over.


I think of it when I close my eyes at night,

And waking can be difficult

I want to shut off my mind, imagination and all.

Don’t think it’s you.


I don’t even think that.

How could something that never was anything matter?

 

Strange these inner monologues,

The ones that get written down and analyzed,

So full of childishness,

And things you don’t want to admit you think.





 

This week wasn't great.  Not because of anybody but myself.  My over analysis and feelings of insignifigance...I brought it on myself.  But do tell me, if I were to go up to you and say "I have this person that I was with forever that Im going for dinner with, but dont worry it's nothing...Oh and yes I still talk to that woman who offers me millions of dollars and the cars and everything I could ever want all the time...that one I almost left here for a million times and i feel okay saying i love you to, but it's just a game....."  Would you not feel a bit inadequate? I'm nothing but a 21 year old college student.  I dont have any money, and I've only known you for two and a half years... I felt like shit when you were upset over your dinner because I felt like I can't give you anything.  No other reason.  But at the same time, I know, if you let me, I could give you everything you could ever want and, in some ways, more.  I think you could do the same for me.  Would it change anything if I told you I havent been with anybody else for nearly a year.  That I dont ever want to be with anybody else.  Or was that comment about my friend being "too young to be in a relationship" and that "she needs to sleep with lots of guys to get it out of her system..." were they meant for me?  Do you see that in me?  Are you afraid that I will commit to you and in a year decide that we need to break it off so I can go party and sleep around.  I dont want to.  I dont even like the other guys i've met.  I dont even like the other guys I've been with.  It's just not in me to.  You've eclipsed them.  I am terrified of telling you what's on my mind because i feel that you will decide that you arent good for me.  You are great for me, just so you know.  I don't want to say, "I want to be with only you." and have you say "I cant offer you that right now, so lets not be together at all."  I like being wrapped in your arms. Laying there thinking as you begin to breathe deeply into my chest where your head rests.  I like when you say sweet things.  Or when you expand my knowledge with the vast amount of information you know.  You make me smile, and you make me happy.  I can only hope that you continue to let me do the same for you. (february 4, 2006)







Well, it's been another one of those weeks. It's, again, just me I'm having the issues with. It is due to external situations, but my interpretations are what get me in trouble. I had this naive notion that the whole california thing was over. There was no indication that it was, but I guess my intelligent thought processes have been thrown out the window on every occasion in this "relationship" that it should be expected that I believe what my mind wants to tell my brain, as opposed to the facts having the upper hand. She sent you beautiful things. That's great. I'm glad that she made you that happy. I know the camera was something that you wanted a lot and that it would have been hard for you to save up to get it, so that was amazing that it came so easily to you. I don't mean that as an asinine statement, I really do want you to be happy. That made you happy, great. So why did I get home after our fun at the park and burst into tears, you may ask? There were several reasons. One, the aforementioned fact that I found out that she is still in the picture, and that broke my heart a little. Two, the fact that I know I couldn't have given you that. I don't have the means to give you everything your heart desires, and that breaks my heart a lot. Three, I cannot figure out where I stand in this picture now that I know she is in it as well. Are you still telling her you love her? Are you still talking about going there? Are you considering just leaving everything here (me in particular) behind for this random rich woman? Am I the filler? That hurts me the most I think. I know what I feel, and when I'm with you I sometimes get vibes of what you feel, I think at least, but I neever know if I'm projecting my wants onto my thoughts and seeing things that aren't there. I care so much that I think I'm jumpin gin head first and there are clearly dangerous rocks jutting out in my path. I suppose heartbroken can't last forever. I don't know if I expect too much. We've built so much from what we began as, I can't fathom it not being there. And then I feel bad for depending on it; like I'm putting pressure you don't want in your life. You want to experience being you, I want to experience being us. You read me so well that you must know all of this. You put up with my bitching and crying and stupid little things I blow out of proportion, and I will always do that for you too. What a complex thing to say, always. Too vast to really mean anything, and yet at the moment in time when you say it, it means everything. I feel a need to ask you to define what we are. I'm being patient and avoiding it. Definition is just surface element, I realize, but I've never been a girlfriend before. Always an other. That little saying from months ago just keeps coming to mind. Oh well. I adored the fact that you called me to tell me your excitement with your sensei saying you can teach at a higher belt level. You will be amazing with those kids, I know it. I look forward to watching you grow more; at this point in life where so many just stop. You're a beautiful person. I guess I'll just enjoy it while I can and let it be. I promised I wouldn't ask for more. So I wont. For now your heart will stay above mine in this chain. (March 16, 2006)





Things have been good these last couple of weeks. After the major meltdown of it all. I've felt happier then I was for months. On friday at the bar I was amazed at the test presented to me. A guy walked up to me, everything I thought I ever wanted: my age, irish, pretty good looking, had a business degree, and was a third year apprentice. He had rich parents, and treated me so well those few minutes we talked. After about 15 minutes of chit chat he said he needed to go find his roomate, but could he come back and talk to me later? I said "Just so you know, I'm seeing somebody right now." He told me I should have said something earlier, not because he didn't want to waste his time, but because he didn't want to "Cut somone else's lawn, so to speak." I told him it was a conversation and sure he an come back and chat with me, I just didn't want to lead him on. Come back to talk he did. And at the end of the conversation he asked for my number. I said "It's really nothing personal, but I can't, I'm seeing somebody else." He said "You're an amazing person, and I wish more girls were like you. I don't mean that as a line, but I think it's great that you respect him so much that you wont give out your number. Most girls would have. He better hold onto you and treat you like gold. or else! You deserve nothing less." I didn't really reply just laughed it off. There are so many extenuating circumstances that make me feel like nothing close to gold. Not a precious anything. I didn't know how to respond. Especially because I was so upset you left early. I felt that the fates were testing me that night. A guy that was everything I used to think I wanted sat down beside me and said he wanted me, and I said no, because I want you and respect you. I had a lot of an internal battle that night. Wondering if I'm missing out on things. And at the end of that, I decided that I'm not. You always have to sacrifice other possibilities when you choose to be in a relationship. I am okay with that, and happy with myself for making the decision. It's hard to know, however, that while I wont even give a guy my number, you have these other extreme women in your life. Tonight hurt my feelings. I loved the walk, and I was happy you told me. And like I said, just tell me, I may cry, but I want to know what's going on. You told me your thoughts about becky, I went inside and cried, but at least I know what's going on. It doesn't feel good, but I'll get past it. One day you will too. I had to tell myself tonight that I may never be as important to you as she is. That was hard. I had to say, this may end one day, but at least I have it now, whatever it is. Nothing is simple, and my moments of clarity are long faded. That's alright. I'll never know what tomorrow brings in any capacity, so why should I expect it here. (april 11, 2006)

I just thought this song was sweet and true to so many lives. 
What am I to you?

What am I to you?

Tell me darlin' true
To me you are the sea
Vast as you can be
And deep the shade of blue

When you're feelin' low
Oh, to whom else do you go?
See, I'd cry if you hurt
I'd give you my last shirt
Because I love you so

Now if my sky should fall
Would you even call?
I've opened up my heart
I never want to part
I'm givin' you the ball

When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
I'll love you when you're blue
But tell me darlin' true
What am I to you?

Now if my sky should fall
Would you even call?
I've opened up my heart
I never wanna part
I'm givin' you the ball

When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
Could you find a love in me?
Would you carve me in a tree?
Don't fill my heart with lies
I will love you when you're blue
But tell me darlin' true
What am I to you?

 

Always something more. Things are wonderful right now.  I'm so happy that you aren't running.  but there is still that fear in the back of my mind.  I never know what you're going to say when you say you have to tell me something.  It was fine when you told me that thing, and then yesterday it hit me a bit more, and I got uncomfortable. I feel like i was second pick.  And yes, I do know it's silly.  I've told myself many times that I don't care how many women you've slept with before, because now you're with me and you're past is your past.  This thing with her is that I know her. And I'm jealous that she got that part of you before I did. I wonder often if the same opportunity came up again- or better yet, a beautiful woman decides to throw herself at you- will you give in?  Will you try to "show them what else there is"? I need to tell youthat I won't be there anymore if it happens, even once.  I can't get caught up in the same spiral.  I am worth being the one and only and if you can't see that then you can't see me.  It's that simple.  And believe me, it would take every single ounce of willpower I have, but it would end immediately.  No "I'm sorry." No forgiving.  I have to do what is good for me, and right now you are.  I've fought to be with you, through a lot, and I want to be with you, with all of my heart.  I love the thought of waking up each morning to you, and hugging you all night. we make a good "us".

 

Chris Rice - When Did You Fall
From the album Amusing

You’re all smiles and silly conversation
As if this sunny day came just for you
You twist your hair, you smile and you turn your eyes away
C’mon, tell me what’s right with you
Now it dawns on me probably everybody’s talkin’
And there’s something here I’m supposed to realize
‘Cause your secret’s out, and the universe laughs at it’s joke on me
I just caught it in your eyes, it’s a beautiful surprise

Chorus:
When did you fall in love with me?
Was it out of the blue
‘Cause I swear I never knew it
When did you let your heart run free?
Have you been waiting long?
When did you fall in love with me?
When did you fall in love?

Make your way over here, sit down by this fool, and let’s rewind
C’mon, let’s go back and replay all our scenes
You can point out the hints, the clues, the twists and the smiles this time
All the ones that slipped by me
I bet my face is red, and you can hear my heart poundin’
Well I guess it don’t matter now that I realize
‘Cause baby I missed it then, but I can surely see you now
Right there before my eyes
You’re my beautiful surprise

Chorus:

Was it at the coffee shop
Or that morning at the bus stop
When you almost slipped, and I caught your hand
Or the time we built the snowman
The day at the beach, sandy and warm
Or the night with the scary thunderstorm
I never saw the signs
Now we’ve got to make up for lost time
And I can tell now by the way that you’re looking at me
I’d better finish this song so my lips will be free

Have you been waiting long, when did you fall in love
I kept you waiting so long, when did you fall
Have you been waiting long
When did you fall in love with me
When did you fall in love?


I didn't expect getting what i thought i wanted so bad to make me feel like shit. You told her you couldn't see her anymore and then you came to bed and cried. That broke my heart. I couldn't believe I asked you do to something that made you cry. When you were talking to her last night I hated it. I've never wanted to eavesdrop more, but I swear i didn't. I made sure i couldn't hear what you were saying. When I finished starring at the floor durring the end of Apocalypse Now, I went to have a shower. I didn't know what else to do. I wanted to wait for you, but it had been nearly two hours, and I was just going to cry. I couldn't put that on you, not after you doing this huge thing to make me feel better. I love that you did that for me, and can't really believe it. I got into the shower and turned the water on hot. It was scalding but i let it cascade over me until my whole body ached with it. I leaned against that wall and sobbed. it was unstoppable. I didn't know what to do, or think. I felt like a bitch for thinking about myself. I felt like a bitch for asking you to do what you said you were going to do without any input from me. It hurt a lot when i asked if you wanted to talk about it and you said no, then I saw the tears in your eyes and you told me to turn off the light. The only thing you thought needed to be said was "Do me a favour, don't snoop through my stuff." My heart nearly stopped beating. I knew I was an idiot. I should have just let well enough alone. I don't know why I looked. God knows I wish I hadn't. Thigns feel tense now. Isn't that great? You do this huge thing to keep me, and i feel like I ruined us. I obviously have security issues. I just can't believe somebody would ever want to be with me. I grew up thinking I'd be alone forever, lame as that sounds, it's true. I neevr saw myself with anybody. I think that's why I allowed myself to have relationships with men already involved and thought nothing of it. Figured they would never pick me even if they were single. Then you picked me. I am still in shock. I feel naive and ridiculous. I feel cared for and comforatble. I'm vulnerable and terrified, and completely addicted to you. I don't want to screw things up. I'm going to let things go. I'm never going to look where I shouldn't again. I'm going to trust you with everything I am. I'm going to take a leap of faith off a giant cliff without a parachute, you mean too much to me for me not to trust you. That's it. You have all of me, and I'm intrusting it to you. <3 (august 21, 2006)

Sometimes I wonder what it's going to be like when we have a family. I'm curious to know what our kids will look like. Little boys? Little girls? Musicians? Karateka? What will they like? Where will we live? What will we do? Will I still be here, will you still be there? Will we find a way to travel to all the places we want? Your opinions on how things should be done are so strong and in some ways forceful, I wonder if I'll be able to express mine in a way that will show you the merit of them. You've lived longer and had many different experiences than me. You're jaded about different things than me. This is not to say I'm not at all jaded, just with other experiences. I love you. I can't wait to see the surprises of our future. I can't wait to be with you, and that's a good feeling when I see you every day. Your's is the only shoulder I want to lean on, or sleep on. Your's is the only heart I want to hear beating under my cheek when I drift into dreams. You hold me tight, and you make me feel secure. The past is the past. This is our present and we have our future. I'm loving it, and looking forward to it. (feb 8/07)

 

I'm doing pretty good with things. You love me so much I'll never really know. SOmetimes I still feel fragile. You thought I was a different person, I've turned into a stereotype, only because i don't like me...still. Harsh isn't it.  I just can't believe how much my self esteem has dived since we've been together. Isn't that stupid. I know it's been bad all my life...almost literally all my life.   I try to hide it to people I don't trust, but you I do trust and now you know what I think of me.  I hate me.  I can't believe you love me. that's why i feel fragile because every little thing i do feels like a huge mistake to me. I've had this mentality of never going to have anyone for years and years and now that i've got you, i can't shake the feeling that i'm a fat ugly girl who has a terrible presonality and one day I'm going to say something and your going to realize it too. Thinking like this is a sabotage in itself, i know it.  It fucking sucks.  

I know you still look at becky's shit too. And it frustrates me.  I know you are probably just curious, not pining, but I feel like I'm not a good substitution when you still "need" her in your life. I knwo you don't even talk, but whatever, that's how I feel.

All the naked women, all the pictures you still save just in more discrete places, still make me feel liek that fattest ugliest thing. Society does impact me. Since I was 6 I've felt fat. I've been the ugly sister. I've been the girl with no boyfriends. To me I've been a lot of worse things than you have. I'm terrif\ied that with knowing me you'll fall out of love with me. I can't get things right in my head. Try as I might.

I know I love you, I know you are worth every tear and fear I've put into this relationship.  Every hope and dream is well placed. I KNOW these things. I adore you Mike. It's not a ie or a cover or anything I could ever fake. You are the best thing in my life. I'm trying to focus and get over things. I'm working on me, but it's a long long haul. I think i will go see somebody to help me sort thougths out. I think i take life too seriously.

I'm happy you're with me. That's everything i need. and everything I believe in, even if it's fragile in my head I know it's strong in reality. <3  (May 9, 2008)


Things are great right now. Really truly great. Not a word of a lie. I'm having so much fun and am so in love. But, I still feel like crap physically. I still can't quite fix it in my head. I know I haven't worked as hard as I should on this diet. I have to get on track and tell myself no. Get out of the house and just do stuff. Limit everything I take in and make my body beautiful. It's so hard when I see (find, snoop) the pictures you save. I don't look at them because I want to getmad at you, but more to get mad at myself. Something I do all so well. I still have to find that break that makes my mind snap into a physical work horse. I want to work out and love it. Feel good and look good. Fuck you have a whole folder of girls that are athletic. The Jessica Biel thing is always there in my mind and now there's so much more. I wan tto look amazing for you. I want to be gorgeous. I need to work harder for it and just do it. I want the washboard abs and perfect legs. I want to fix all that I've done wrong to me, some for me, mostlyfor you. I'm so afraid you'll give up, even though I know you wont. Everybody says if you don't love yourself you can't expect somebody else to. But you love me, and that amazes me. I love you, and that makes me so happy. I need to lose 55 pounds. I need to be that atheletic sex symbol you idolize. I don't know if it'll make me happy, but it's a start. And I'll probably still hate when you need to look at other woman. The obsession makes me sad. The thousands and thousands of pictures you have to save. You have to make a big show of deleting them and then just start saving again. I can't say anything anymore. You're sick of it, I still feel bad about it. You won't change, I'll have to. That kind of hurts. Such a stupid thing to be so hurt over, but I am. And I do worry tht I'll be a bad mom, or that I'll resent having kids. I want our life to be our life for just a while more. I want to Be us. I want to be a fiance and a wife. I want a house and a puppy. I want to travel with you. I want all these things. I want to go to school for something I care about. I want all this before kids, but I can't make you wait because you're scared of being an old dad. I think you'll be awesome, no matter the age. I'm only 24, I'm not ready. I want them, but I'm not ready. I want my body perfect before I wreck it for a while with pregnancy. Then work twice as hard to get it back. What if I go blind after I have a baby?  That terrifies me. Fears and wants. Needs and haves. I love you, and our life. I need to fix me.
(August 29, 2008)
 
 
 
I love you!!!!!!!! You're amazing and the best thing for me and my life. Thank you for being with me.
(November 19,2008)

Everything is just fine fine fine.

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peace, love, and rainbows